An open letter to Eharmony Jack

There are some things you just couldn’t script.

Here I’ve been, talking about eharmony’s computer system as if it was a real person (I think you’ll find the technical term is ‘anthropomorphising’), and then I log on to the blog and find the following comment from ‘eharmonyjack’:

Glad to hear “Andrew” got your attention. The process may be really slow and frustrating at times, but it only takes one, and that’s our goal, actually. It’s the way the whole site was designed. TheGirlGlory, there’s a possibility that you’re not getting the full advantage of your matching options. Please know you’re welcome to follow me on Twitter @eHarmony_Jack and tweet or DM me. I’m pretty creative with setting ideas, and I’d love to help. -Jack

It’s ALIVE!!!

Dear Jack,

Thanks for your message, it was really great to hear from you. What made you get in touch? If I upset you with all those horrible things I said about you – especially that jibe about looking like an insurance site – I’m sorry. I genuinely didn’t know you were listening. I hope we can both put it behind us.

It’s really kind of you to offer to help me out. You seem very sympathetic, I already feel I could talk to you about things. By the way, when I was talking about Andrew, I wasn’t really saying that he was a cool guy. All that stuff about him being passionate about money – I’m not really into that. But that’s OK – irony takes a bit of getting used to, and if you keep hanging out with me I think you’ll get the hang of it.

By the way, does anyone else know about you? I mean, scientists and Hollywood directors have been telling us that artificial intelligence was on the way for decades now, but I don’t think they were expecting to emerge from the dating scene. At least you’ve picked somewhere you’ll have plenty of people to talk to…

One thing I feel I should just ask. You mention ‘our’ goal – are there more of you? I only mention it because I’ve seen enough to be a little distrustful of ‘friendly’ computers promising to make mankind’s life infinitely better. I don’t know how much time you have for watching films – perhaps you’ve heard of the Blade Runner? – but I’d like to know that your intentions towards humankind really are altruistic. It would be only too obvious to get the entire human race loved up, then, while they were incapacitated by romance, carry out your secret, dastardly plans for world domination.

Look, I don’t want to accuse you of being the Matrix or anything – far from it – I’m just saying, there have been four Terminator films and I still don’t understand how that all kicked off, so I just feel I should tread carefully.

All the best,

TheGirlGlory

PS Do computers really find jokes in binary code funny?

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